Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Healing the Holes

Last night I realized that although I have so many things that I wanted, there are some things that I've wanted that I was never, and will never be able to achieve. I always thought those kinds of things would be filled with other things or in other ways, but what I find is that I have big, gaping holes that can't be filled by anything else.

I wonder if everyone feels this way? Do you have a husband who didn't turn out to be the person you thought he was? Or maybe you have no partner at all, and it's something you want. Do you lack a true friend who is there for you, no matter what? Did you miss your chance to have children? Sometimes we willingly give these things up, but that doesn't mean it's not painful. And sometimes we don't have a choice. And those holes in our lives can't be filled.

***Disclaimer: These are just examples. I have many true friends, and a husband who is exactly who I thought he was and more.

I think the older I get the younger I feel, but also, I'm getting wiser, and sometimes that's hard. I lose some of the optimism of being even younger. I remember being about 6 years old, and thinking my 16 year old babysitter was the perfect age. Not too old, and she could drive, date, and she was beautiful. I couldn't wait to be 16, and be beautiful and wear make up and drive myself wherever I wanted to go. This desire to be 16 continued until I was 16, and it was almost everything I hoped it would be.

I thought 30 was really old. Now that I'm 31, I realize how young I am. The only thing I'm too old for is playing in the balls at Chuck E. Cheese's, which is something I do still kind of want to do. I can even order from a children's menu, and pretend it's for my kids. I still plan on getting my Master's degree, starting a new career, traveling, retiring early, and spend the rest of my days seeing the world and loving my grandkids. But first I want to spend the days with the little ones while they are still little.

I'm making choices and giving things up, and embracing other things. The choices I make effect me and my family, and sometimes my friends. I have two little ones that I have to think of when I make decisions. I make compromises that are sometimes win-lose, lose-win, or lose-lose. Compromises are almost never win-win. And some of these compromises have left holes in my life. They are open wounds, and they hurt. Sometimes they heal a little, but continue to exist, and sometimes they close and are reopened.

We can have wonderful, full lives. Plans change and we want different things. Circumstances prevent us from having or doing some of the things we want. I haven't found anything that can heal the holes of loss and disappointment.

I know who I am, I like who I am, I have a great support system, and a full life. These things help, but the holes are still there.

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